I Heart Technology

Grading assignments sucks. Bigtime. And if you're a teacher and you refute that statement, you're lying to yourself. It takes forever. It becomes monotonous. The time could be much better spent on bettering the classroom in other ways.

For those who are not teachers, you have no idea of the treachery. What seems like it should take maybe an hour ends up occupying an entire afternoon and evening. It's miserable. Hot lead to the eyes is the closest comparison.

I hate grading. But then came this lil' guy.



My school, because it's brand new, had funding to buy a bunch of cool technology to enhance the classroom experience. One of the purchases was a set of remotes that wirelessly connect to our SmartBoards and make it possible for the kids to take tests and quizzes without using paper. And the best part:

NO GRADING! It does everything for you. It has changed my life infinitely for the better.

Thus, I am thankful, in this season of thanks, for technology that allows me to not grade for seven hours straight.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, from your favorite teacher.

Angst on Thanksgiving Break Eve

Those who know me best know that I am a seasoned veteran in all things sarcastic. I've worked very hard to become the witty, smart-alec that I am, but it has proven very difficult to suppress that part of my personality when a student deserves that sarcasm the most.

In that today is Thanksgiving Break Eve, I just wasn't gonna let anything get to me. Then MS happened to me after lunch.

Me: "M, where are you supposed to be?"

MS: "I'm going to class."

Me: "Where exactly is that class? Because the bell rang 14 minutes ago and you should be in the class, not going to it."

Then MS blew his lid.

MS: "I HAVE TO GO TO GYM!"

But it's Thanksgiving Break Eve, so I kept my cool.

Me: "Why are you shouting? I'm not yelling at you, so why are you yelling at me?"

MS: "I'M NOT YELLING! WHY DO YOU CARE?!"

Me: "Look, it's almost Thanksgiving Break, so if you want to ruin your day, then ruin it, but don't drag me into your misery."

MS: "I HAVE TO GO TO GYM! THEY WON'T LET US IN!"

That last comment made absolute no sense to anybody, but he had pushed me too far. I raised myself up to my full 6'4 frame (he's about 5'10) and got right in his face. I then began to raise my voice, telling him that if he wants to yell, I can yell. So I yelled.

Me (post-yelling): "Get into my classroom, we've got some things to fix before you go anywhere else."

MS: "I'M NOT GOING! I HAVE TO GO TO GYM!"

Me: "Get into my classroom, but don't you dare disrupt my class."

He came in, yelled and hollered some more, then slammed himself into a seat and stared at the class.

And then came out the sarcasm.

Me: "M, turn around, nobody wants to see your face. Stare at the whiteboard."

More shouting on his part.

The assistant principal, who definitely does not shy from discipline, pops his head in laughing because he heard what I had just said and asks if he can help. I let him know that I've got it handled. MS starts shouting again.

Assistant Principal: "Little guy, you better make Mr. Lowe your best friend because he's the only thing that stands between you and me. If he gives me the go-ahead, we'll go down to my office and you'll be out of here - not for today, not for tomorrow, not for Thanksgiving. For forever. We'll send you to Treadwell and they LOVE kids like you because you're fresh meat, raw meat. And I'm more than happy to dangle you above their cage. So you better get Mr. Lowe on your side because it's rough on my side."

My whole class was freaked out. At that point, the AP leaves and I think he's gone. MS shouts "I NEED TO GO TO GYM!" With every syllable, he slams his hand on his knee really hard. I've calmed down because, again, it's Thanksgiving Break Eve.

Me: "M, you shouldn't hit your knee like that, it's just not nice, your knee doesn't deserve it."

The class explodes in laughter. I'm so far past done with this kid that I didn't hold back.

Me: "Class, are we laughing with him or at him?"

Class, in unison: "AT HIM!"

Once the classroom dies down, I hear the assistant principal laughing at my door. I thought he had left, but he had been there the whole time and heard my question to the class.

Success. The kid spent the next 2.5 hours in my classroom doing write-offs.

It's Thanksgiving Break Eve and nobody's getting in the way of that.

Quiz Funnies

Vocabulary quizzes each week usually produce some real gems, here are the latest:

I wasn't aware that a hand cream was the most hated thing in America. It's a good thing that Osma ben Lotion was found.



Apparently, his sister doesn't trust her boyfriend.



Ms. Misconish is their math teacher next door and, apparently, two girls aren't very happy with her...

...but he eats his boogers.

The funniest e-mail I've received yet as a teacher.



She was moved today thanks to her mother's delicately-worded statement of facts.

"I Hear America in Need"

Each year, I like to have my students re-write Walt Whitman's poem, "I Hear America Singing." It allows me a glimpse into how they see America in its current state. My only criterion is that they have to entitle it and use the first line "I Hear America __________," where they include the word they feel is appropriate.

Last year, this was a success and I received two very well-written responses. They were very personal and very insightful.

This year, one of my favorite students, TP, wrote a great free verse poem that actually gauged the current state of affairs quite well. He wants to be a journalist when he grows up and I think that's a fantastic idea.

I Hear America in Need
I Hear America in need
In need of a leader that can settle everything
That can bring balance between the parties
That can handle healthcare
That can handle employment
That can handle taxes
America is in need of a change
America needs a leader
Can't you hear the crying?
The pain that our economy is in?
It's not that bad as of now
In the future - it will be
I open my ears and I try to see
I hear America in need.

Boom.

TP: 1 - Walt Whitman: 0

Middle School Dating

Today, I was allowed an ultra-exclusive glimpse into the dark world known as "middle school dating." I went in not knowing what to expect. It was a scary place. It all started with a conversation.

EW: "Mr. Lowe, I'm going on a date tonight! To church!"

Me: "Wait, you're going on a date? You're 13. And to church?"

EW: "No, it's a halloween party at church. Well, it's not really a date because we're not seeing each other, but we're going together."

Me: "What's the difference?"

EW: " 'What's the difference?' Well, the difference is that we're not dating or seeing each other, but we're going together. Huge difference, Mr. Lowe."

Me: "I'm lost."

EW: "Well, there are five steps to dating someone and we're not on step five yet."

Me: "Five steps? That's too complicated. You like him or you don't. You date him or you don't."

Obviously, I'm not learned in the arts of middle school relationships.

EW: "Yes, there are five steps and you have to follow them closely to get anywhere."

She said it in such a condescending, Duh-Mr.-Lowe tone that I almost felt like I was an idiot for even asking.

And the steps are as follows (and don't you DARE deviate from the list or your relationship will never, ever, in-a-million-years work for you.

1. You like each other
2. You text each other
3. You talk to each other
4. You're seen in public together
5. You're in a relationship

At first, I thought this was a bit absurd, but as I measure up the steps of my relationship with my wife, I realized that these 13-year-old girls might be onto something.

My wife and I were set up on a blind date by my fraternity brothers. So we didn't really have the chance to like her prior to speaking, but I had seen pictures and that was enough to spark an interest. Then I called her (instead of texting). We talked. We were seen in public. Then we were in a relationship.

I guess middle school relationships never end....until 4th period.

Proving Me Wrong

Baby days are upon us! The "Teen Living" class at the school issued out plastic, crying, life-size babies to students so that they can have a smack in the face of how bad it sucks sucks sucks to have a kid when you're not ready.

In one of my classes yesterday, there were four plastic offspring that wouldn't shut their soundboxes off. Finally, all of them were silent at the same time and it was bliss.

At the beginning of the 8th grade hall at my school is the classroom that houses the severely-challenged or mentally disabled students who have around the clock care. The door is always shut and nobody really knows they're there because the classroom is entirely self-sufficient (stove, washer, dryer, etc.)

Yesterday, as soon as my room was free of crying babies, the door swung open and a young girl ran in. I had never seen the girl before, but it was immediately apparent that she had severe problems. Somehow, she had broken away from her teacher and had, for some reason, picked my class to enter.

Now, I was a 14-year-old kid once, so I know how easy it is to find the faults in someone else and laugh them to scorn. In my experience as a teacher, I have found that more often than not, kids will jump at every opportunity to tear someone else down. When the girl ran in, I thought that the kids would erupt laughing and make her the center of attention for the wrong reasons.

I was wrong.

The entire class sat there silently and watched as the embarrassed teacher ran in to corral the young woman. When the girl and her teacher left the classroom, nothing was said and we were able to get right back on task.

I'm not sure if they noticed their behavior, but I absolutely did. I was very impressed at how they all decided to not make this girl's life harder than it already is. I was impressed that they had the maturity to understand that it's not her fault that she's disrupting our class. I was impressed that they understood the magnitude of the girl's problems and chose to give her the benefit of the doubt.

There are many days when my students reinforce my belief that 8th graders make stupid, careless decisions.

But there are also days when they prove me wrong. Very wrong.

Yesterday, I was proud to be their teacher.