Middle School Dating

Today, I was allowed an ultra-exclusive glimpse into the dark world known as "middle school dating." I went in not knowing what to expect. It was a scary place. It all started with a conversation.

EW: "Mr. Lowe, I'm going on a date tonight! To church!"

Me: "Wait, you're going on a date? You're 13. And to church?"

EW: "No, it's a halloween party at church. Well, it's not really a date because we're not seeing each other, but we're going together."

Me: "What's the difference?"

EW: " 'What's the difference?' Well, the difference is that we're not dating or seeing each other, but we're going together. Huge difference, Mr. Lowe."

Me: "I'm lost."

EW: "Well, there are five steps to dating someone and we're not on step five yet."

Me: "Five steps? That's too complicated. You like him or you don't. You date him or you don't."

Obviously, I'm not learned in the arts of middle school relationships.

EW: "Yes, there are five steps and you have to follow them closely to get anywhere."

She said it in such a condescending, Duh-Mr.-Lowe tone that I almost felt like I was an idiot for even asking.

And the steps are as follows (and don't you DARE deviate from the list or your relationship will never, ever, in-a-million-years work for you.

1. You like each other
2. You text each other
3. You talk to each other
4. You're seen in public together
5. You're in a relationship

At first, I thought this was a bit absurd, but as I measure up the steps of my relationship with my wife, I realized that these 13-year-old girls might be onto something.

My wife and I were set up on a blind date by my fraternity brothers. So we didn't really have the chance to like her prior to speaking, but I had seen pictures and that was enough to spark an interest. Then I called her (instead of texting). We talked. We were seen in public. Then we were in a relationship.

I guess middle school relationships never end....until 4th period.