Best E-mail of the Year

Last Wednesday, a fellow teacher and I were attached to an e-mail that a student's mother sent to our principal. It's easy to get down about teaching because 99% of the time, it's a thankless job. It's easy to get so frustrated that you wonder why you ever signed up for this torture in the first place. I had been feeling both of those emotions when I read the e-mail and it completely changed my outlook on things and made me realize that I'm doing this for a reason.

"Mrs. Brown -

"I want to pass along compliments to Mr. Trent Lowe and Miss Emily Misconish. I wish EVERY teacher could be as encouraging and excited about teaching as they are. They are in constant communication with parents and an obvious caring for their students. It is clear they want their students to learn and enjoy the process.

"Miss Misconish is always eager to help her students with tutoring or is available by email or text if my daughter has a homework question. M's understanding of math has improved by leaps and bounds this year.

"Mr. Lowe finds new and unique teaching methods to keep his students engaged. M never fails to come home and tell me something she learned in his class. Mr. Lowe encourages her to write and to read quality books instead of some of the frivolous books teenagers read these days.

"I am so thrilled M was able to experience each of these teachers' passion for teaching as that is the career path she has chosen. I am just sad that her year with them is almost over.

"Thanks for listening,

"A.G., M's mother."

Usually I don't like to toot my own horn, but this made me too happy to pass up. Way to be Ms. Conish, I mean Ms. Misonthis, I mean Ms. Macintosh, I mean....

Pee in a cup?

Thursday, there were a bunch of kids fooling around in front of the school before the morning bell rang, which prompted the assistant principal to ship everyone into the auditorium for a "Come to Jesus" morning assembly that had been brewing for awhile. The weather's getting warmer, which means kids will begin to get Spring Fever and start acting up, so the assembly came at an opportune time. While the classes were waiting to be called to the auditorium, one of my honors students asks, sarcastically -

"Mr. Lowe, are we all getting drug-tested?"

I answer, "Yep, they're gonna line up all 1,100 students and have you pee in a cup."

In the back of the room, one of my funnier female students made a joke but she didn't know I could hear. She turned to her friend and said -

"I sure hope we have to pee in a cup."

Friend: "Why?! That's disgusting!"

Student: "Because I LOVE peeing in cups. It's probably one of my most favorite things behind playing in traffic!"

Well-played, DD.

Needless to say, we didn't have to pee in any cups.

Mad Libs Memphis

We've been learning about parts of speech and how to make them more interesting in our essays because the state writing test is coming up and they need to pass. On Wednesday, we were also looking at context clues and determining the meaning of an unknown word based on the words surrounding it.

So I put the following sentences on the board:

This morning, as we were jabbering out the door, my chickasaw tried to trip me, but I saw it coming, so I sequestered the door really swishlike and he hit it with his dermis. I laughed so hard, I jumbled off the duvet.

Obviously, there are words in there that they don't know and some words are just invented - no idea what a chickasaw is, but it sounded cool, so I threw it in - but I wanted them to be able to determine the part of speech and replace it with an appropriate word.

This is what my students came up with (I told them to be the most creative possible):

8-2 Class

This morning, as we were passing gas out the door, my toilet tried to trip me, but I saw it coming, so I fought the door really hard in the paint and he hit it with his pancakes. I laughed so hard, I peed off the sink.

8-1 Class

This morning, as we were fumbling out the door, my homeroomies tried to trip me, but I saw it coming, so I swooshed the door really boisterously and he hit it with his pelvis. I laughed so hard, I peed off the entertainment unit.

Apparently peeing off things is hilarious to 14-year-olds.

8-3 Class

This morning, as we were juking out the door, my brother's teeth tried to trip me, but I saw it coming, so I RKO'd (a wrestling move) the door really monstrously and he hit it with his stinky breath. I laughed so hard, I farted off the Eiffel Tower.

8-4 Class

This morning, as we were hustling out the door, my ignorant dinosaur tried to trip me, but I saw it coming, so I stiff-armed the door really anxiously and he hit it with his weenus. I laughed so hard, I exploded off the roof.

8-9 Class

This morning, as we were moonwalking out the door, my crazy man doing the stanky leg tried to trip me, but I saw it coming, so I used Earl's breath to melt the door really efficiently and he hit it with his dark shady night gums. I laughed so hard, I made my belly roll off the side of Jose's face.

Can you tell which class is the most rambunctious of the bunch?

New Info on the Mormons

A conversation that occurred 10 minutes ago with two students whom I know, but aren't my students. They're pretty good kids.

R: "I like 'Napoleon Dynamite,' but it's like everyone in it is high. Their eyes are always half-shut."

M: "They're making it into a cartoon! It's gonna be soooo funny!"

R: "My mom told me it's a Christian movie, but I'm not so sure."

Me: "Yeah...no, it's not a Christian movie, however, it was made by all Mormons."

(hint, hint, I'm a Mormon, but they have no idea)

M: "Really? I don't like Mormons."

Me: "Why?"

R: "There are two types of Mormons - the Mormons who are all angelic and the Mormons who do every drug on the planet."

Me: "Every drug on the planet? What's the ratio like?"

R: "Um, I'd say it's about half and half."

I knew Provo's full of half-medicated housewives, but I didn't know that half of us did hard drugs. News to me.

"I've Found the Person I Truly Love!"

The math teacher, Ms. M, found this note today in class and shared it. I just wish my students would put this much insight into their actual writing that I grade...

This note is between a boy, DB, and a girl, JW, about D's newly-ex-girlfriend, DT. Sad story.

DB: "Give me a reason not to cry."

JW: "because I don't want to see you cry =("

DB: "I miss her and need her...actually I miss us and need us back."

JW: "D, i'm sorry that i have to say this, but you need to move on like she has. i don't want you upset about this anymore."

DB: "You don't understand how hard that is for me! I've found the one person I truly love and now I have to move on? I kno life isn't fair but this time its gone to far. She is the one thing that makes me happy! Every time I look at a girl that isn't her, I see nothing but a person standing there but when I look at her, I see love, I see my future, I see life as good again. I can't let that go!! I can't lose her!! I love her and I don't want to lose her love!!"

JW: "What the hell do you want me to tell you ?!?! i don't know what to tell you! nothing i say means anything to you! so why do you keep coming to me? you tell me stuff and i don't know what to tell you and that upsets me! so why?!?! idk. i'm sorry but i really don't know what to say. i wish i did but i don't. i'm sorry i yelled at you through words, but it upsets me. look, this is all i can tell you, she has moved on. so you need to before you really fall apart. and none of us want you to fall apart."

DB: "Idk how to move on from my true love."

JW: "but you know you have to, right?"

DB: "No...I will always love her and I will always want to be with her."

JW: "i'm sorry, i made you cry didn't i? I should really shut up."

DB: "No, it's not ur fault."

JW: "but you were fine a min ago until i said something."

DB: "I wasn't fine at all, it's what u said...Everyone is asking me to move on, but they don't get how hard it is for me."

JW: "I know it must be hard on you. but if you keep holding on you will never be the same D you were at the start of the year. =("

DB: "That was before I fell in love with her..."

JW: "D, what do you want me to say that you will listen?"

DB: "I am listening but idk how to let her go."

JW: "1. don't be around her 2. don't hug or kiss her 3. forget all the date you two had. I know this is hard but you need to do it! and it kills me to tell you this."

DB: "But that's what keeps me going. those happy memories remind me of the love we once shared, they remind me that there is someone that wants to be with me."

This could totally be an ABC Family tv show...

Lovebirds!

Today, my desk is uncharacteristically clean and void of hundreds of random papers. I say this because I found a random note underneath the only stack of papers on my desk and I have absolutely no idea how it got there. I lifted the stack of papers - which were paperclipped together - to find a note entitled:

TO: The Most AMAZING-Sweet-Beautifull girl in the World :) (L <3)
FROM: J :)

I haven't taken a note from someone since we came back to school on Tuesday and since I cleaned my desk entirely before Christmas break. I don't know who put it there or why it was put there, but I was giddy to have a love note on my desk because those are my FAVORITES to read.

Now, I have to hand it to this kid because he's got some swooning skills in the written form. If these students were 10 years older, I might think an engagement was on the horizon (aside from all the smiley faces), but they're 14, so they'll probably break up at lunch today.

Presenting, THE NOTE:

(: L :)
You are the most amazing girl I could ever dream of :) When I look in your beautifull blue eyes, my heart belongs to you* Now you have me mesmerized ;) When we're holding hands I feel this connection between us that gives me the [can't reading handwriting] to never wanna let go <3 Your voice is like an angel, so sweet that everytime we talk it sends this feeling through my body, almost like butterflies in my belly :P Baby there's no way in words to tell you how much I trully care for you, and I promise to be there right beside you through anything and everything <3 No matter the cost* because you deserve every bit of it :) and more!! L, I don't want to rush things, but every word of this comes from my heart.....I love you :)

Truer words hath never been spoken thus until now. Bill Shakespeare would be so proud.

Mr. Lowe, Your Wife's Too Hot for You

I'm very protective of my Facebook account because I don't want my students to find me. Conveniently - it started out as a joke my freshman year of college - I have a "The" in front of my real name, so when my students search for me, there are hundreds of people in front of me.

But someone found me.

Last week, a student came up and said so nonchalantly, "That's the shirt you wore in your Facebook pic with your wife." I tried to play it off, but they found me. Well, apparently that started a firestorm of kids looking at what little information is provided on my private account. So today, as I'm leading them to lunch, the conversation occurs.

TW: "Mr. Lowe, your wife's fine! Miss Utah 2009!"

(My wife competed competed in Miss Utah in 2008 before we were married)

Me: "What are you talking about?"

TW: "I googled your wife. She's pretty hot, but I guess she'd have to be in order to be Miss Utah."

Me: "How did you even find out her name?"

TW: "I have my ways."

EW (one of my favorites, she said it in the most innocent way): "Yeah, I looked, too. She's very pretty, Mr. Lowe, how did she end up with you?"

I got owned by a 14-year-old girl.

Me: "I went to college. College does wonders. My wife's beauty quotient is infinitely higher once I got my degree. Take a hint."

It still stings.